Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
