theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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