so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
