Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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