apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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