Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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