he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
