fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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