Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Ketchup is God's man juice
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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