He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
