I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
