The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I am naked and annoyed.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Randomize
