When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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