im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
