I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
