For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
