I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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