It was like getting head from an anaconda
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
