I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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