all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
