Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
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