If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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