You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
