Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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