I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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