He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
