how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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