Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
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