We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This is the high leading the old right now
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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