I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
