Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Randomize
