I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
