I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
