Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
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