My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
jump out the window naked night went bad
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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