you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
