I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
