When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Randomize