it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
