my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
