Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
