I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
