How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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