Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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