How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
