I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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