That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize