before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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