Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
