Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
