hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
