I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
