I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You left your phone here
Wait...
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