Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
