Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
