ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
