It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
