dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
