so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
