Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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