I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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