i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
