Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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