I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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