i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
